Abby Zimet: What In the Ever-Loving Gay Fever Dream? Tucker Carlson Is Worried About the End of (Mostly Naked) Men
Boldly aiming his furrowed brow at “one of the biggest stories of our lifetimes,” perennially puzzled, flagrantly fascistic Tucker Carlson has released the hottest, weirdest, gayest trailer ever for his new season of “Tucker Carlson Originals,” in which he of the hapless Muppet haircut and his team “take you inside the issues” for a “documentary news magazine.” His scary first episode, “The End of Men,” is purportedly about “the total collapsein testosterone levels in American men,” or at least, you know, its truly manly men. The as-yet-unreleased show, like his paranoid, revisionist “documentary” on the Jan. 6, is (likely shakily) based on a real fact: Testosterone levels in men have long been decreasing, a trend scientists attribute to aging, obesity, pollution, other health issues and lack of exercise. The show will presumably blame wokeness, CRT and too many gay people – a supreme irony given that its dazzlingly Riefenstahl-and-Cabaret-flavoredpromo offers what a bewildered social media has deemed a steamy, campy fever dream of ripped, gleaming, smoking hot, mostly naked guys that make “the gay ’70s VHS porno I was watching put itself on pause and (gaze) in lust-filled amazement and jealousy.”
The cheesy gay-porn cartoon begins, less homo-erotically but no more coherently, with JFK decrying “soft, chubby children.” Then it launches into a montage of muscled, glistening, white dudes wrestling, lifting weights, firing guns, slinging truck tires, milking cows onto the ground (no sissy buckets here) and charging or tanning their junk as the exultant Thus Spoke Zarathustra, in tribute to Nietzsche’s “ubermensch” – “Take heart ye higher men!” – soars. There’s also a guy gulping raw eggs: “The march of raw egg nationalisn continues!” Some British guy intones, “Once a society collapses, you’re in hard times,” but “hard iron sharpens iron” and “men who are tough” go on “and so the cycle begins again.” The bewildered response to “human bow-tie” Carlson’s raunchy, wistful ode to toxic masculinity, per famous gay man George Takei: “This is so gay” – though someone did make it a bit gayer by putting it toYMCA. Another wondered “why the naked man is getting his dick lasered by a giant phone.” One noted, “I am sitting here next to my gay husband living my gay life reading a gay novel as research for my new gay book, and yet (I) will never be as gay as whatever is haunting (Carlson’s) fantasies.” Even fellow goon Kid Rock didn’t wanna hear about it when Tucker asked what he thought about “testicle tanning.” “Dude, stop!” he said. “I don’t know what the hell is going on in this world, (but) let me off.” Dude: Just this once, we’re with you.
Abby Zimet has written CD’s Further column since 2008. A longtime, award-winning journalist, she moved to the Maine woods in the early 70s, where she spent a dozen years building a house, hauling water and writing before moving to Portland. Having come of political age during the Vietnam War, she has long been involved in women’s, labor, anti-war, social justice and refugee rights issues.
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The strange thing about Tucker Carlson is that you don’t have to satirize him, just quote him.
Michael Simms https://www.michaelsimms.info
Author of Nightjar Author of American Ash Founder of Autumn House Press Editor of Vox Populi
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