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I would pause at the door,
turn around as if to soothe
the stray bits of myself
that have flaked away
into a collage
of awkward poses
and misspent words
lodged between cracks
in yesterday’s flagstone.
I would confess,
light votives,
harvest basil,
pour water. Apologize
for my inabilities
and distinct angers,
learn to extinguish
flame and sputtering
embers before they flare.
I would speak to the living,
praise the dead, dispense
alms, admit failure, recognize
that I do not know.
I would sweeten the unknown,
explore the bitter
and exhale with more purpose,
acknowledging other truths.
I would love more.
I would love better.
I would love.
Only then would I knock.
~~~~

Robert Okaji’s first full-length collection, Our Loveliest Bruises, will be published by 3: A Taos Press soon (not posthumously, he hopes).
Copyright 2024 Robert Okaji
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“I would speak to the living,
praise the dead, dispense
alms, admit failure, recognize
that I do not know.”
There is so much I do not know.
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Powerful. The thoughts that come when age and illness force us to look, take stock, realize we are part of the whole from beginning to beyond.
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A humble, spiritual, melancholic, moving poem. And so, so quiet…
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Robert has terminal cancer and he is wisely using his remaining time to take stock of his life.
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The time of reflection. The home stretch. Wish that ‘to love better’ could be achieved by the mere intention.
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Yes, to love better.
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I too listen in awe to this poem: its meaning, its confession.
Standing by The Doorway while Robert Okaji delivers us deep understanding. — in his case transcending regrets with a shared honest love, teaching us much with his words, his embrace. The poem is a profound gift.
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He is so right on! I could say he writes as someone with clear knowledge of his imminent demise, but its only a small shift into some periphery of that notion and it might be me, and it might be you—so fools all of us, what are we to do—we’re not doing now?
Not to ignore an opportunity to praise this man, he is a complete inspiration to me on so many levels.
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I have been a fan of Robert’s for a long time. And his first full-length book is coming out soon.
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I would love more.
I would love better.
I would love.
Only then would I knock.
O yes!!!
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I love this poem. A man facing the end of his life thinks about his regrets… We all face this self-reckoning sooner or later.
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sooner later most of the time…
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