Michael Simms: Bored in quarantine? Here are 43 things to do to keep yourself entertained
Maintaining a positive attitude during your self-isolation
Take on a Rubik’s Cube. You’ve seen a precocious 12-year-old solve it, surely you can!
If that doesn’t work, try a crossword puzzle. No one’s watching, so you can cheat!
How about learning to play chess? This game is not just for brainiacs!
Dust off that old tuba from high school band camp and bring back your chops! Ignore the neighbors’ complaints!
Write a haiku, like this one! Red petals floating/on my mean neighbor’s green pool:/ Did he eat his dog?
Start a blog. Write about your exes. You can say anything! They’ll never know!
Pick up the Rubik’s Cube and try again. Today is the day you solve it!
Read the really long novels you’ve always avoided. Infinite Jest has 300 pages of footnotes. Even the footnotes have footnotes!
Meditate! Lie down with your eyes closed, palms up. Focus on your breath. Continue thinking about your breath until you can’t breathe. Gasp for air!
Treat yourself to a moisturizer! Put on a green gooey face mask! Scare the bejesus out of the mailman!
Look at pictures of puppies until you cry because you don’t have one! No one loves you!
Organize all the fruit in your refrigerator by size. Then alphabetize all your canned goods. Then arrange your clothes from oldest to newest. Then arrange all the books on your shelves by color. No cheating! Someone may be watching!
Write thank-you notes to all your exes for what they taught you about your failings as a human being!
Pick up the Rubik’s cube and try one more time. You’re getting closer!
Put on a soap opera. Mute the sound. Create your own dialogue. Keep it clean!
Learn calligraphy. On second thought, don’t learn calligraphy. Instead, break out the Legos and construct a model of a coronavirus!
Keep track of how many times Donald Trump says “Yuge.” When you reach 100, you get to move to Canada!
Try on all your clothes and determine whether they “spark joy” á la Marie Kondo. Take the joyless clothes in the back yard and burn them. When the firemen arrive, pretend they have the wrong house!
Create three new financial plans. One for your life returning to normal. One for your life as a homeless person living from dumpsters. And one for the apocalypse!
Pick up the Rubik’s cube, look squarely into what passes for its eyes, and try to will it into compliance!
Make lists of all the museums and concerts you want to visit when they finally reopen. Throw away list!
Have a movie night to watch only films you’ve heard are really bad. You might be surprised!
Fantasize about Donald Trump being squashed by a giant coronavirus!
Practice the hula hoop in front of the mirror until you swear you’re going to lose weight!
Crochet a jock strap for your boyfriend!
Try to stare down the Rubik’s cube. Don’t let it win!
Coloring books! They’re not just for kids!
Manhattans! They’re not just for old folks!
Set goals for yourself: I will change out of my pajamas! I will read my mail! I will eat something other than chocolate bonbons and barbecue-flavored Doritos!
Take time to reflect. What have you accomplished in the last year? Well, how about the year before that? Anything?
Try to see everything ever posted on Pinterest!
Finally get around to fixing that broken doorknob! Take it apart and then… go back to the Rubik’s cube!
Empty all the pills in your medicine cabinet into a jar. Shake. Then play Russian Roulette with your body chemistry!
Put all the too-old makeup on your face. Scare the bejesus out of the mailman!
Make a list of things for which you are grateful. If you can’t think of anything, make a list of all the people who hate you. Write them thank you notes for having taught you how to be an asshole!
Try Donald Trump’s recipe: Add a little bleach to your Bolognese sauce. Does it taste any different?
Do push-ups until your arms fall off!
Make a list of every movie you’ve ever seen. Then rank them according to how hot the stars are!
Make coffee, but this time study how many beans you use, which types, how hot the water is, how long it brews and whether any of that makes a difference!
Talk to your plants. Listen carefully to their responses!
Re-arrange your sock drawer in a way that pleases your socks. Remember, it’s not always about you!
Re-arrange your furniture to confuse your alter ego!
Take a hammer to the Rubik’s cube! Smash that little sucker!