Doug Anderson: Letter to Me

I tried the meditation

where I breathe into my heart until it becomes a white hot coal.

I tried forgiveness.

I tried self-forgiveness but my heart was laced in leather.

I said I will live my whole life this way if I don’t.

Don’t what? Do you realize what I carry? Do you understand

that it’s magma and will cook you from five feet away?

Do you realize what you are asking me to do?

Yes, I said, to that other self that younger self that
swaggering young ass

who sewed up his heart with cat gut, yes, because I want
to feel my gristle open like a rose in spite of.

In spite of all that. That I hate you is no longer a way.

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