Matthew Parker: A Solution to the Untold Imbecility of the Uninoculated

Vaccinate Those Fxckers Yourself

Are you worried that, during the next four years, antivaxxers like RFK Jr. and his antediluvian ilk will ruin your life, your relative’s lives, your friends’ lives, your town, city, county, state, country, and planet’s lives? Your doctors and nurses’ lives and, most especially, your children’s lives? Not looking forward to your kids or their kids possibly getting polio, mumps, rubella, measles, and maybe even smallpox just so a bunch of Luddites can smugly own the libs? Don’t you wish that somebody would just grab a handful of vax-packed syringes and shank them all, one jab at time and one per imbecile, in their obstinate, cowardly asses so we can get on with our lives? Well, fret no longer. Wonko, a subsidiary of Natural Selection’s Been Slacking (NSBS), introduces its brand-new line of Weapons of Mass Vaccination (WMVs). Now, you can help wrestle control back into the hands of the scientifically sane by administering vaccines rapid fire at family dinners your stuck in and/or conservative events you normally would not be caught dead attending. No matter your station or even your budget, we’ve a WMV for you, so the sooner we get to assass-a-vaxxing these quacks the quicker we all can heal as a whole.

The Personal Blowback (PB): $9.99.*

Great for smaller events, this blowgun is manufactured from climate-friendly bamboo, requires no assembly, and can be operated by most anyone. Simply slide the ultra-fine, vax-packed dart into the tube, pick your target – Uncle Aaron making Trump faces at the titles on your bookshelf during a Christmas gathering will do – bring the shaft up to your lips, take aim, and phhhht. Right in his neck. There’s one Uncle who won’t be killing grandma any time soon. What’s great about assass-a-vaxxing relatives, btw, is that they’re easy to track down when second and/or booster doses are due. 

The Corsage Pistol Crossbow (CBC): $147.99*

Designed especially for those with refined tastes, this fashionable corsage conceals a 20 lb., self-cocking crossbow capable of firing, at the fine-tuned prudence of the little woman, dozens of vax laced arrows fletched lovingly in olive camo by Doctor Fauci himself. Simply amble casually into an event like the Values Voters Summit and fire at will – that snake-oil preacher eye-fucking the Trump Golden Calf, for instance. Also ideal for pro-lifers baying like enraptured Saint Bernards outside the Planned Parenthood, the CPC is capable of unobtrusively vaccinating dozens of those sanctimonious cretins a minute. Comes in a variety of tasteful bouquets to match assass-a-vaxxing mobby lobbyers, patrons of that chicken franchise that no respectable liberal should frequent, or homophobic bakers.    

The Lie Detector Vax Initiator (LDVI): $2,397.97*

This compact WMV disguised as a boutonnière combines all the technology of lie-detecting with a powder-actuated firearm – the latter set off by the former – and is ideal for those shirt-and-tie, high-dollar events like CPAC or the White House Correspondents Dinner. Highly sensitive to frequencies of mendacity wafting from so many bullshit-stained mouths, the LDVI’s vax-spiked projectiles automatically home in on the trajectory of lie-laced soundwaves, customarily lodging in the face, tongue, or back of the grifter’s throat. Comes in both carnation and rose styles replete in a multitude of colors. 

The Rochelle Walensky Wasp Drone (WWD): $65,749.99 

This multi-propped sensory drone is ideal for those large, indoor events crawling with self-proclaimed Aryans decked out in their frumpy Trumpy finest. State of the art electronics pilot the drone and drop, at the optimal moment, a series of cluster bombs which, upon detonation, scatter swarms of air-to-surface, laser-guided mini missiles. Tipped with the latest in sound and sight-seeking technology, the missiles are fabricated to search, strike, and inject the obligatory vax into anybody incessantly wailing about white grievance and/or sporting blood red MAGA hats.

The Apache VaxAttax Helicopter (AVH): $930 million**

While some foolish one-percenters waste their money on symbolically phallic Ferraris, and even rocket ships, the more judicious have made better use of their billions by purchasing the crown jewel of Wonko’s WMVs, the Apache VaxAttax Helicopter. This Boeing AH64 battle-tested chopper comes equipped with a gimbal mounted, 30 mm M230 automatic machine gun that indiscriminately fires approximately 600 under-armor-piercing vaxxes per minute into the teeming multitude of your choosing. Some might call this overkill, but when it comes to antivaxxers, discretion can go fuck itself. Indeed, the VaxAttax is designed specifically for just such uninoculated throngs. It may be messy, but the immunocompromised can rest assured that everybody there will have been assass-a-vaxxed with alacrity, some five and six times over.

Coming soon, the WMV inhaler. Imagine being able to fog entire states – we’re talking to you, Alabama – with clouds of blessedly inoculating vaccine, making holding your breath for a day or so the only viable resistance to medical progress.   

*Darts/arrows sold separately.

**Not sold in stores, pilot not included.

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Copyright 2025 Matthew Parker

Matthew Parker teaches writing at UC Berkeley.