Matthew J. Parker: Ban All Books But Mine

Ron DeSantis is doing a Model Press Conference with Florida high schoolers at P.S. 47, aka Our Lady of Stand Your Ground Middle School in Panacea.

“First Question,” DeSantis says. 

A thin, African American girl with dreads stands. “My name is Angela. The people of Florida voted to let ex-felons vote, and Florida Republicans took that away from them.”  

“That’s because those folks votes don’t count, Angela. Voters can’t be trusted, especially those who can read. They simply did not know what they were voting for. Criminals released from incarceration must pay their fines to the state of Florida. That money goes to reinforce our de-DEI, anti-trans, book-banning, build-a-wall-around-wokeness-and-Disney-will-pay-for-it campaign. Once we build the wall, we will no longer have to ratchet the entire state to our friends in Alabama and Georgia. Those bolts prevent the peninsula from breaking off and drifting south, where it’ll contract communism when it touches Cuba.” 

“But shouldn’t people be given a second chance?” Another student, Joaquin Ramirez, asks. “Doesn’t Jesus say something about forgiveness?”

“Yes. Of course. But it only applies to people who can pay. Poor people can get ffffff…..fussed. They are very fussy, poor people. Always worried about inconsequential things like rent and healthcare. And formerly-incarcerated-person poor people are the poorest of the poor. What little money they do have is paid to us. Ergo, they should not be allowed to talk at all, let alone vote. Contrary to popular belief, free speech isn’t free, and neither is voting.” 

“But aren’t they Christians, too?” Angela counters. 

“No. Not really. They are felons. Born liars and thieves. Picture Rick Scott with prison tatts and you’ll get the idea.” 

“But isn’t Trump a liar and a thief?” Another student, Helena White, dressed in her cheerleader best, asks.  

“Yes. But Trump is a very special sort of liar and thief, in that he is a vessel swindling in service of Our Lord. He is carrying the holy grift inside him and, when it burbles out, it changes people in the same way that prisons and paying fines do not. Problem with Trump is he’s too impious to cash in on his Blessed Vessel-ness, making him a zombie of sorts, just like Jared Kushner. Plus, that vessel’s run dry. The Supreme Court is fully stacked with fetus fanatics and firearm fetishizers.”

.

“Firearm fetishizers?” Angela snickers. 

“Yes,” DeSantis says, moving away from the podium. “That’s called allilliputian, by the way. When a series of words begin with the same letter to give it a poetic cadence. That’s what I learned in college, and not from some yahoo DEI course at wannabe Wharton.”

“Uh, that’s alliteration,” the vice principal, Ms. Barbosa, says.  

“Whatever,” DeSantis snaps back, rolling his head like a gimbal. “The truth is, children, when compared to Trump, I am God’s great Condom, protecting America from plural pronoun sex, vaccines, commies, textbooks, drag queens, porn stars, and DEI-slash-CRT. And, in my guise as the Divine Prophylactic, I am shielding Floridians from all manner of glutinous propelling’s—with real protection, too, so unlike Fauci’s vaccine.”   

Malcolm, the mixed-race star center of the school basketball team, the High Capacity Magazines, leaps to his feet, saying, “Kinda funny you suddenly an antivaxxer when you and your rich friends were first in line. You can’t just be pro medical science when you need a triple bypass, ya know.”

“And,” Angela states, pointing at the governor, “while you accusin’ American doctors of quackery, you want access to my medical records and, unbelievably, my womb.”

“Not true. That only applies if you’re queer or pregnant.” 

“And what if I happen to be both?” Angela says. “Suddenly, you claim to care how we express ourselves, flooding New College with a bunch of evangelical spin offs pushing their prudery while titling your book The Courage to be Free.” Ha. The courage to be an authoritarian asshole, you mean.” 

“And how much you want to bet that Rufo dude got the scraunchiest porn you ever seen in your life on his iPhone…” Joaquin says.

“…and that chomo Gaetz on speed dial.” Malcolm finishes. 

Everybody laughs and, as the governor slinks back to the podium, Helena leads them all in a cheer: “One, two, three four, who’s got the scraunchiest porn? RUFO, RUFO, Christopher Bobbin’ RUFO.”

“That’s perfect,” Joaquin adds. “Bobbin’ on the Guvnor’s nob.”     

“How dare you use such foul innuendos in my school,” DeSantis shouts. 

“Awwww.” Helena says. “He’s adorable when triggered.” 

“I can have you arrested.”

On what charge?” 

“He don’t need no charges, Joaquin,” Malcolm says. “Didn’t need none for them refugees he kidnapped, or for the ex-cons he arrested for voting. He has the courage to be free from the white arm of the law because he knows it can’t touch him, closet aristocrat that he is. But when you strip away all the bullshit he’s just another wannabe billionaire who now pegs the Ivy League schools he gleefully attended as elitist. In his book, he actually whines about how he survived…” Malcolm looks down at his phone, “survived ‘seven years of indoctrination in the Ivy League’ is how he put it.” Malcolm shakes his head. “Man. What a colossal cry baby.”

“It’s their schtick,” Angela says. “White, Christian males. The true victims of oppression. They are all suffering so.” She crosses her arms and pops her gum before continuing; “Tell us, gov? Did you also get Yale and Harvard to cancel wokeness and CRT, along with everything else your unstable minions can’t cope with?”

“I would have, but I’ve no jurisdiction in New Haven or Cambridge.”

“You had no jurisdiction in Martha’s Vineyard, either, but that didn’t stop you from landing a planeload of kidnap victims there.” Malcolm adds.

“Man, fuck this dude,” Helena says. “We out.”

The students then file noisily past, leaving DeSantis standing alone before the cameras, clutching a pair of P.S. 47 Our Lady of Stand Your Ground High Capacity Magazine poms poms in his tiny Florida hands.