Dorothy Parker: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

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If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

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In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.

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The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

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By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, undying.
Lady make note of this —
One of you is lying.

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Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.

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I hate writing, I love having written.

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Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

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I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.

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Tell him I was too fucking busy– or vice versa.

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What fresh hell is this?

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This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

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Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

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That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.

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She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.

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Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

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If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.

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These quotations are selected by Michael Simms from The Portable Dorothy Parker (Penguin, 2006).

Dorothy Parker (née Rothschild; 1893 – 1967) was an American poet, writer, critic, and satirist based in New York; she was best known for her wit, wisecracks, and eye for 20th-century urban foibles. From a conflicted and unhappy childhood, Parker rose to acclaim, both for her literary works published in such magazines as The New Yorker and as a founding member of the Algonquin Round Table. Following the breakup of the circle, Parker traveled to Hollywood to pursue screenwriting. Her successes there, including two Academy Award nominations, were curtailed when her involvement in left-wing politics and civil rights activism resulted in her being placed on the Hollywood blacklist. Dismissive of her own talents, she deplored her reputation as a “wisecracker.” Nevertheless, both her literary output and reputation for sharp wit have endured.