Charlie Brice: Soulium

Having doubts about why you are alive,

why things happen as they do,

why religious fanatics burn people alive,

take off heads, shoot unarmed cartoonists,

destroy ageless art works,

hang gay people because they love one another,

tell Palestinians they can’t live in their own country,

decide that all Jews must die,

that women should obey men because they aren’t men,

and that they cannot control their own bodies;

that if you don’t believe in Jesus you can’t get to heaven,

that children who haven’t had a chance to do anything wrong

enact God’s will by dying of cancer or any other number of horrible diseases,

preach that God is all powerful and then pray to Him for help

with all the horrible things he must have caused in the first place?

Have a persistent conviction that’s it’s all a huge mysterium tremendum?

Looks like you need Soulium. Five milligrams of Soulium

taken twice a day wipes all religious and existential doubts away.

Don’t take Soulium if you are allergic to excessive happiness

or mindless euphoria. Some people taking Soulium have experienced

immediate alcoholism, heroin use, or cravings for methamphetamines.

Common side effects include an inability to stop watching CNN,

extreme interest in issues and events that have no real importance

such as what email server Hilary Clinton uses

or whether the President of the United States was born in the United States.

Stop using Soulium immediately if you attain an erection that talks;

call your doctor right away if it recites anything from a Beckett play

or a Bukowski poem. Don’t take Soulium if you already have a soul

as doing so may cause a dangerous drug reaction.

—

copyright 2015 Charlie Brice