A Public Sphere for Poetry, Politics, and Nature
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter replied, “Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man as he pointed at one of them, “Whose clock is that?”
St. Peter replied, “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“That’s incredible, ” said the man.
St. Peter pointed to another clock, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life.”
The man was impressed, and then asked, “Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?”
St. Peter said, “His clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
There’s a term for presidents like Trump.
Probably not two terms though.
Obama, Hillary Clinton and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”
Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen.”
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Clinton and says, “And what do you believe?”
Clinton ponders for a while and then says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”
God is greatly moved by Clinton’s eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”
Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”
A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”
Donald Trump walks into a bar …
And lowers it.
I’m not a big fan of Donald Trump, but I’d never denigrate his supporters.
If you’re a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.
Donald Trump is flying over New York City.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, “You know what, I’m gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!”
His son looks at him and says, “Dad, why don’t you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy.”
Donald says, “Son, that’s a great idea!”
His wife turns to him and says, “Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!”
Donald looks at her and says, “Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I’ve heard!”
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, “As long as you’re at it, why don’t you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?”
Donald Trump labelled Hillary Clinton “disgusting” for taking a bathroom break during the Democrat debate.
Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the crap just comes straight out of his mouth.
What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?
He grows taller.
Donald Trump is now president, but the real winner is Melania Trump.
Now she can call herself the First Lady instead of the Third Wife.
What does Melania see in Donald Trump?
10 billion dollars and high cholesterol.
What’s 18 inches long and hangs in front of an assh*le?
Donald Trump’s tie.
Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school one day.
In one of the classes, they’re in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Trump if he’d like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.”
He agrees to do so and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says Trump, “That would be an accident.”
Next a little girl raises her hand and says, “If a school bus carrying forty children went off a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, I’m afraid not,” says Trump. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent for a while as no other children volunteer.
Trump looks around the room and says a little testily, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
At last, a little boy at the back of the class raises his hand and says, “If a private jet carrying you, Mr Trump, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” shouts Mr Trump, “That’s exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “Because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Police says it’s impossible to tell if it was done by Trump’s opponents or his supporters.
How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We’re changing it, ok? And I understand what you’re saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say “Is the light bulb really dead?”. That’s what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
In a recent survey, 70% of Americans responded that Donald Trump becoming president has made them nervous.
The other 30% said it will make them Canadians.
I just found out Donald Trump ran for President as a Republican.
I thought he ran as a joke.
What do a thong and Donald Trump’s hair have in common?
They both barely cover an assh*le.
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he’s pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and yells, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers, “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says, “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says, “Oh my god, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies, “Well Mr. President, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
Donald Trump calls Angela Merkel’s office.
Her secretary answers.
Trump asks, “What’s the time difference between Washington and Berlin?”
The secretary replies, “Just a second, Mr. President…”
Trump: “Thanks.” <click>
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans.
Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he’d decided to be different… again.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Trump fan.”
The teacher said, “Why aren’t you a fan of Trump?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Democrat.”
The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Trump fan.”
Selected and compiled by Michael Simms. Bigly.